Loser
by Shawn Jones
Summary: Tails is diagnosed with a terminal illness, Sonic and the gang have to deal with it.
1. Something Else Entirely

Loser

By Shawn Jones

I guess so I don't get fucked over: Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.

Foreword

It looks like it's about that time again, you know, foreword time. Of course the following story is rated M, because of all the obscenities and so forth. You know, I say fuck, shit, ballsack, whatever other expletives you might have run across. This story isn't a direct sequel, so it isn't imperative that you read my previous stories. There are a few in jokes, and the previous plots are mentioned, but you should be just fine without reading the others. The story, appropriately titled Loser, really started out as an abstract idea, but later became a fairly coherent story. Now that I've completely killed all of the buzz and bored the shit out of you, enjoy the story.

Shawn Jones

Something Else Entirely

In Knothole, the Freedom Fighters were all gathered around the table in the meeting room. They were waiting on important medical information, which Doctor Quack was currently diagnosing. Sally was the only one at the table feeling anxious. No one else was particularly interested, with Rotor mindlessly spaced out and Tails counting the tiles on the floor. Antoine busied himself by picking lint off of his shirt. Sonic had his feet on the table, looking at his watch to see how much time was being pissed away. Knuckles was trying to draw, but soon lost interest and just drew a stick figure with tits and long hair. Apart from Sally, Bunnie was the only other Freedom Fighter the least bit interested, showing some worry on her face. With the tension elevating, for Sally at least, Dr. Quack finally made his way into the room.

"Well I'm afraid you haven't got much more than a week to live," Dr. Quack stated sadly. "Er ist gefickt," he muttered to himself. He pulled himself up a chair and sat at the table with everyone else.

"What?" Sally asked looking up. "There must be some mistake, you need to reanalyze the tests. This just can't be, it can't…"

"Nein! I'm afraid there has been no mistake. I thought the same thing, but I've been running test after test and all of them seem to come up with the same results," Dr. Quack countered. "I'm afraid the diagnosis is very much correct."

"If you say 'afraid' again I'm _afraid_ I'm going to go over there and rip your fucking balls off," Sonic threatened as he leaned back in his chair.

"Sonic shut the hell up, this is very serious. Are you 100 percent sure Doctor?" Sally asked in dismay.

"Sadly that is my conclusion, Tails hasn't got much time left. I'd say he's got a week, two at the most. If I was wrong, I wouldn't be Quentin T. Quack."

"You're name is Quentin?" Rotor laughed.

"Yes, Quentin T. Quack, is there something wrong?"

"No, no problem…Quentin," Rotor said then began laughing. That incited Sonic and Knuckles to begin laughing as well.

"Christ, it's like we're babysitting 6 year olds. What's so funny about Quentin T. Quack?" Sally asked.

"Hamburgers, the cornerstone to any nutritious breakfast," Sonic put in.

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Paris?" Rotor asked.

"AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes," Sonic continued to quote.

"I don't follow you," responded a puzzled Sally.

"Royale wis cheese, you know why zey call it zat?" Antoine asked.

"Because of the metric system?" Rotor answered.

"Check out the big brain on Brett! You're a smart motherfucker. That's right, the metric system," Sonic responded.

"It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis," Rotor recited.

"I guess I'm not going to get it, but don't we have more important things to worry about right now? Dr. Quack said Tails has less than two weeks left," Sally said.

"So, like, what will happen to me in a few weeks?" Tails asked in complete bewilderment.

"You'll be going to a better place, Sugar," Bunnie assured him, as she patted him on the back.

"I just don't see how that's possible," Sonic put in. "I mean, we are a righteous bunch of savory characters."

"Fuck you, Sonic. This is some of the most devastating news I've ever heard, and all you can do is crack wise?" Sally asked disgustedly.

"Well shit, it's a hell of a lot better than crackin nuts," Sonic said, chuckling with Knuckles.

"Nuts? Am I to be missing somezing?" Antoine asked as he stood up and looked around. Sonic pointed Antoine out to Knuckles and said something. The both of them started busting up laughing.

"I don't get it Auntie Bunnie, what's a better place than this?" Tails questioned.

"Well Hun…it's complicated," Bunnie sputtered.

"Does it mean I'm going to die?" Tails asked solemnly.

"Where's a fuckin buzzer when you need it? What prize do we have behind curtain number one?" Sonic continued to joke. Sally turned and gave Sonic the dirtiest of looks, then turned back to Tails.

"You're sick Tails, and you'll only be with us here for a couple more weeks. You will go to a better place though, you have to believe me."

"That was beautyful," Knuckles complimented. There was a long pause following the comment, as everyone shuffled silently in their seats.

"Uh, this is awkward," Rotor observed.

"Isn't there a hockey game on tonight?" Sonic asked looking around. "What? Am I an asshole or something? My schedule can't tic around Tails rapidly decreasing biological clock, I've got shit to do. So Tails, what kind of headstone do you want?"

"Goddamn you're morbid, Sonic!" Sally yelled in frustration. "Why don't you swing that judgmental pendulum the other way and tell me what you'd do to cope with this situation, asshole."

"I'd probably get a better rest than I've had in a long time, you know, a peaceful one."

"You're such a dick, get out of here Sonic. Go hide somewhere, because I don't know if I'll be able to restrain my urge to kill you," Sally replied angrily.

"Oh, you've got a murderous rage in you, but I can't see you getting tired of my o-face…" Sonic was interrupted.

"Choose your next words carefully, Sonic."

"I'll just sit here, and keep quiet." Sally nodded in approval, and then turned her attention to Tails.

"Now Tails, what would you like to do for the next couple of days?"

"I would like to see Mobotropolis again."

"I hate to be the one to tell you, but Mobotropolis is now Robotropolis, and it's kind of a shithole," Rotor informed. "It's also controlled by Robotnik, who isn't exactly the most gracious of hosts. In fact you could go so far as to call him an almighty asshole. You know, I thought you knew all this shit."

"He's right, it's not as if Robotnik just took the fuckin place over. Tails, are you sure you aren't just retarded and not terminally ill?"

"I don't know, maybe. "

"Why are you such a constant dick, Sonic?" Sally asked.

"Because you're such a tease," Sonic replied smiling.

"Yeah, you're funny. Keep cracking wise, see how far you get," Sally retorted. "Anyway, we might be able to work something out with Robotnik, for Christ sakes Tails is dying. I just don't think Robotnik would be that cruel."

"No, he wouldn't be _that_ cruel," Sonic began. "He'd capture you, then beat the ever loving shit out of you. Once he had his way with you, and no longer found you a source of his amusement, he'd fuckin kill you. I will not, let me repeat that, WILL NOT be rescuing anyone who thinks it's a good fuckin idea to sightsee in Robotropolis."

"If Tails wants to go to Robotropolis as a last wish, I'm sure as hell not going to deny him. Are you, Sonic? Are you that fucking vindictive?"

"Just when I was beginning to think we couldn't possibly top the last fucked up idea, we end up making it look sane. You ask me to walk a fine line, but when we all die you'll only have yourself to blame."

"Well mate, I'm gonna have to say this idea is a sandwich short of a picnic, but she'll be apples," Knuckles affirmed.

"Who?" Rotor asked.

"What?" Knuckles countered.

"Who is going to be apples? What the fuck is going on here?" Rotor demanded.

"Ah mate, I don't have time to decipher all me slang phrases. There's no need to chuck a spaz."

"Apples and pears aside, we need to do this for Tails," Sally said. "Now does anyone else have something to discuss about this matter? If you don't object, you'll be going to Robotropolis tomorrow with Sonic, Tails, and me."

"Oh what the fuck…?"

"Sonic, you'd better cool it."

"Chilled."

"Well Sugar, if this is the will of the counsel then I shall see it done," Bunnie replied.

"Ze counsel, I am not to be understanding zis. But I am not given ze choice, I will go for my princess, huh huh."

"I'm the only one with brains in this whole place, and here I am about to do one of the stupidest things I can think of," Rotor ranted. "I'm sure I'll regret this in the long run. I know it's all going to culminate into a big clusterfuck train wreck, I just want to watch it for the sake of satiating my morbid curiosity. It's like those goddamn impulse buys."


	2. Scum of the Earth

In the bowels of Robotropolis, Robotnik sat in front of the wall of monitors inside his control room. He sat there fine tuning his security system, while his brain processed devious ideas of how to once again control Mobius. _I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids, wait…fuck, that's Scooby Doo_, Robotnik thought. _Maybe if I can end up making some big death laser, just melt the whole goddamn forest, HAHAHA_. _Uh hold on…I think that was in a Bond movie, but which one? When can it be considered an original idea again? It was in Star Wars too, but then again my Death Egg is a carbon copy of that…I hope I don't get sued…I need some hash browns…_

"Ummm…the…uh…" Snively stammered entering the control room.

"Out with it asshole, I may be a genius, but I'm not a psychic. Like those crazy bitches that think they can solve murders. Where the fuck do they get their balls? So, what has you stammering about like a fucking retard?" Robotnik asked as he slowly revolved his chair toward Snively.

"Something rather unusual has occurred, sir. The Freedom Fighters are here, and they wish to seek an audience with you."

"All of them?"

"Yes sir, Sally said something about Tails being terminally ill."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh how I hate that fucking whiner, I guess dreams really do come true," Robotnik laughed. "That was good wasn't it? I haven't laughed like that in a long time. Send them in," he said, motioning with his hand.

"Of course, sir," Snively responded as he turned and left the room. A few moments later he reappeared with all of the Freedom Fighters following closely behind him.

"I don't know why I ever bother to concoct diabolical plans, when you all just show up here and save me the trouble. So before you are incarcerated and killed slowly, very slowly, and painfully, is there a pressing issue you wish to discuss?" Robotnik inquired.

"Please, hear us out Robotnik," Sally pleaded.

"Well what do you think I'm doing? Do you think I'm waiting for a fucking mime to show up and entertain me upon pain of death?"

"Of course not," Sally replied. "It's just that…Tails is sick, and his last wish was to come to Mobotropolis one more time."

"What am I, the Make Me a Fucking Wish Foundation…?"

"I believe it's Make a Wish Foundation, sir," Snively interrupted.

"Shut your mouth you fucking infidel, do I look like a sack of meat incapable of thought or speech? Anyway, since when did _Robo_tropolis become a tourist attraction? I'm not exactly running a charity here, I don't really understand what precisely you're asking me," Robotnik said.

"That makes perfect sense, considering you have your head up your ass," Sonic quipped. Sally then walked over to Sonic and slapped him a few good times.

"Sorry about that, I've been trying to tell him he needs to be quiet…" Sally began.

"I don't know what you're talking about, I've got the lips of a statue," Sonic quickly replied.

"SONIC!" Sally shouted, giving him a warning glance. "Anyway, I was just hoping that we could arrange a trip into the city. The reason I came was to make sure we could do this without violence or trouble. I'm not stupid, I would only ask you for something like this in the direst of situations, and this is it."

"I'm sure you know me to be an evil, insolent, corrupt, greedy bastard, and I'm all of those things," Robotnik admitted. "So what makes you think I'm going to do something out of the kindness of my own black heart? I could give a shit if that lame ass finally gets what he deserves."

"I'm not a lame ass…" Tails began.

"You're a buttfucking quitter!" Robotnik broke in. Sonic began laughing so hard he fell to the floor. Sally gave Sonic a scornful look, and then turned her attention back to Robotnik.

"This appearance was just a formality, if you don't want to accommodate our request, go fuck yourself. I can see we won't be able to settle this matter peacefully," Sally patted the backpack she had on. "That's just fine with me, we can take a more drastic measures. The choice is yours of course."

"Oh fuck it, Snively, can you do nothing right?" Robotnik roared. Snively then walked over to him and whispered something in his ear. "Okay Miss Fancypants, you've made your point, but you and I both know I'll need something in return for my mental anguish. Sonic and Knuckles are to remain here with me until you return. That's my asking price."

"Will they be set free when we get back?" Sally questioned.

"That depends on the manner of your return. How dare you impugn my honor, as long as you return they will be _returned_ to you. If you need clarification as to why I chose these two, take a good look at the rest of your friends. Need I explain further?" Robotnik asked, glancing around the room. "I thought not, now was there something else?"

"Ho ho, fuck that. Sally if you got some explosives let's give this room a new paint job," Sonic suggested. Sally just looked at down at her boots. "Shit, it was just a stinking cheap ass bluff."

"Alright Robotnik, you have yourself a deal. But if they aren't returned by midday, there will be hell to pay," Sally threatened.

"Oh yes of course, I respect that," Robotnik countered sarcastically. "Now go show your soon-to-be-dead friend the wonderful sights of Robotropolis." Nobody in the room moved. "I said get the fuck out! Yeah except you two, _you motherfuckers_, you come with me."


	3. You are a Dumb Douchebag

Sonic and Knuckles sat across from each other in Robotnik's control room. Robotnik shut the exits, so escape was out of the question. Robotnik was sitting in his chair, seemingly interested with all the colored switches and pretty buttons he had on his switchboard. Getting bored, Sonic set up the chess board and started a game with Knuckles.

"So mate, have you been Van Dykin much?" Knuckles asked, as he sat down to play.

"The usual, with winter over, the chimney sweeping isn't as in demand, if you catch my drift," Sonic replied, making the first move.

"Oh dead cert, mate. Are you starting to feel a little bad about that prank yet?"

"Me?" Sonic scoffed. "The fun is just getting started, and I think it's pretty clear I don't have a fuckin moral compass. The funniest part for you will be when Sally finds out. You won't have to ask about Van Dyking then, the shop will be closed for some time."

"Are you meaning to tell me that this whole thing is some sort of elaborate gag?" Robotnik inquired, turning his attention away from the switchboard.

"I think it's pretty fair to put it like that," Sonic answered.

"You put your life at stake for a joke?"

"Of course not, that would be pure tomfoolery. I put my life at stake for one of the greatest gags I've ever pulled. Even better than that bidet gag and that was golden," Sonic replied.

"That joke was Mickey Mouse, mate."

"This is really just a joke for Sonic the Hedgehog to show his quality."

"So exactly how much of this is a gag, and who's in on it?" Robotnik asked, genuinely interested.

"Tails terminal illness is the gag, and it's been quite hilarious so far. We certainly didn't intend to come here, but we took it in stride. As for the who, we have me and Knuckles, plus we had to tell that fucking Nazi."

"Nazi?"

"Yeah that weird ass Doctor Quack, he had to bullshit the tests for us. That took a little convincing, but a little money will buy you anything. We paid him in fake money, a little side gag if you will," Sonic said chuckling. "By the time he figures it out, the cat will be out of the bag, just a little extra comedy. I suppose it would be too much to ask you for some help."

"I have to say I'm intrigued by this little plan, what did you have in mind?"

"I've been thinking about it since I got here, and I thought of a couple different things…"

--

With Sonic and Knuckles in confinement, the rest of the Freedom Fighters were taking the tour of what once was. Sally was pointing out all of the former landmarks of Mobotropolis, to an overly interested Tails. Bunnie was up by Tails and Sally, Rotor was directly behind them between, obviously deep in thought. Antoine brought up the rear, bumbling as he made his way from one landmark to the next.

"Zis is to be boring ze shits right out of me," he pointed out. "I am just about wishing to be held captive, huh huh."

"Antoine, just shut your mouth. This day isn't meant for you, Hun," Bunnie replied. "Rotor?" Rotor didn't respond as he continued mumbling to himself. "Rotor!" Once again there was no response. "Rotor, I want to fuck you!"

"What?" Rotor asked looking around.

"Damn Sugar, I didn't know it took an invite to fuck to get your attention. What are you thinking about, Hun?"

"I was actually contemplating a new concept I thought of concerning the space-time continuum…"

"Oh forget I asked, Sugar. It's just that you've been awfully quiet…"

"1.21 gigawatts!" Rotor exclaimed.

"Well that isn't exactly what I had in mind, Hun."

"What in ze fucks is a gigawatt? And what in ze fucks is zat?!" Antoine screamed as a large Swat Bot made its way toward them. As it turned and started their way, Rotor noticed that one of the arms was slightly unusual.

"Does that thing have a giant douche for an arm?" Rotor asked in amazement. The others stared, astonished at the new fangled attachment. The bot walked closer, and then came to an abrupt halt directly in front of them.

"I AM THE DOUCHENATOR 1000.5," the machine said.

"Just curious, what's the .5 for?" Rotor inquired.

"YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG."

"Says the guy who has a giant douche on his arm," Rotor remarked.

"EAT DOUCHE," the Douchenator said as it smacked Rotor in the face with the douchebag arm.

"Now was that really necessary?" Sally asked.

"NO. YOU NEED TO DOUCHE."

"What?"

"Ah ha, zis is being very amusing," Antoine laughed.

"COMMENCE DOUCHING," Douchenator announced, before it squirted Antoine with dirty douche water.

"Oh zis goes beyond foul, zis was clean you fuel." Antoine brushed himself off, now soaking wet from the water.

"Well I'm not saying anything, Sugar," Bunnie said.

"It is being too late for zis."

"HAVE A NICE DOUCHE," Douchenator said as it doused everyone with the dirty douche water. It then turned and walked off into the sunset.

"Now I am to be smelling like ze douche," Antoine observed.

"Yeah, I guess not much has changed," Rotor quipped.

--

Back in Robotnik's control room, Sonic, Knuckles, and Robotnik were doubled over in pain and crying from laughter.

"Oh…hahaha…eat douche…did you see his face?" Sonic asked between laughs.

"Yeah…hahahaha…this is officially the greatest gag ever, mate," Knuckles laughed.

"Ah hell, I can't figure why we fight…haha…when we can orchestrate top notch comedy like this," Robotnik added as he wiped the tears from his eyes.


	4. Welcome to the Fold

"So what's next?" Robotnik asked, after the laughter died down.

"According to your trusty security cameras they're making their way back here," Sonic answered. "I'm not sure we'll be able to squeeze another one in there."

"Just hang on a second there, mate," Knuckle said, and then turned to Robotnik. "How fast can you run, bloke?"

--

The Freedom Fighters were making their way back to Robotnik's fortress, in much the same walking order as before. The difference this time was Antoine. Since meeting the douche bot, he was constantly on edge. And, of course, noticing and taking full advantage was Rotor.

"Oh what the hell is that?!" Rotor shouted pointing at something.

"WHAT! Zis is not back, no?" Antoine screamed in fear. Sally, growing tired of their antics, ended the whole situation.

"Rotor, knock that shit off. Just because Sonic isn't here doesn't mean we need a replacement. One wiseass is plenty enough to handle. That's it, I've ruled on this matter, I want no more. So Tails, how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling okay I guess, Auntie Sally. I'm a little hungry though," he replied making a pouty face.

"Don't worry Sugar, we'll get something to eat after we pick up Dumb and Dumber," Bunnie said.

"Yeah really, but which one is Dumb?" Sally asked.

"I'd say Knuckles, Hun. His Australian accent is kind of cute," Bunnie giggled.

"Huh huh, someone is wanting to be making fuck," Antoine observed.

"Oh stuff it up your ass Antoine," Rotor said. "You spot love like you cook, I don't think I need to elaborate, but I mean like shit."

"I think maybe Rotor is jealous," Tails laughed.

"Laugh it up fuzzball," Rotor retorted. "At least I'll be breathing next week."

"OH! Zat was cruel you fuel, huh huh. Zat has been rhyming, no?" Antoine partially scolded.

"Rotor, you shouldn't say things like that," Bunnie reprimanded. "Look we're almost…is that Robotnik?" In the distance Robotnik slowly came running into view. He ran straight past Sally, Bunnie, Tails, and then Rotor. Right as he reached Antoine he lifted his leg and kicked him hard in the balls.

"OWW! Zis was my fucking balls!" Antoine said as he curled up into the fetal position on the ground.

"That was uncalled for," Sally said, frowning at Robotnik. Off in the distance she could see Sonic and Knuckles laughing. "Did they put you up to this?"

"Well it was kind of a mutual agreement, but you have to admit it was pretty funny," Robotnik replied with a huge grin. Sally turned away from Robotnik in disgust, and waited for Sonic and Knuckles to make their way over to her.

"So you're in league with Robotnik now?" She asked as they reached her.

"It's just a joke, Sal. If you want my opinion, you should lighten up," Sonic said trying to stifle laughter.

"That was the same thing Robotnik said just before he burnt down Knothole, remember?" Sally asked.

"Oh yeah, damn, it's a pretty snappy line though, huh?"

"You're unbelievable Sonic, I don't know what to make of you," Sally said shaking her head. "Now let's get out of here before you tell your new friend where Knothole is." Sally pulled Antoine to his feet and started to leave. "Anybody care to join us?"

"Hey Robotnik, catch you on the flipside," Sonic said turning to leave.

"How true that is, I'm sure the next time we meet I'll be trying to kill you again. It's always good to deviate from the same old shit now and again though, isn't it?" Once everyone was ready they began making their way toward the Great Forest. Once on the outskirts of Robotropolis, Sally rounded on Sonic.

"Woah, if you wanted to fondle my balls, you could have just asked," Sonic smirked. "Instead you just stop and do so without my express permission," Sonic chuckled and shook his head. "How are the nuts Tony?"

"Zey are hurting, I might be having to wear ze jock strap to keep ze testies elevated," Antoine whimpered, grimacing.

"You'll have to talk to the Nazi about that, he can probably patch 'em right up."

"Sonic! What were you thinking teaming up with Robotnik?" Sally asked, getting impatient.

"It was a joke, not a team up. Knuckles suggested he run at Antoine and play a little football, hahaha," Sonic said, breaking into laughter.

"It's just a harmless prank, mate. No worries, just right."

"You say harmless, but I see Antoine grasping his balls in pain," Sally remarked. With that everyone, with the exception of Antoine and Sally, started laughing. "You too, Bunnie?"

"Sorry Sugar, but it was kind of funny. We did get to see Robotnik running at full speed that in itself is good for a laugh."

"Let's go you guys, I want to be back in Knothole before dark," Sally said as she started walking again.


	5. Who's Laughing Now?

The Freedom Fighters arrived back in Knothole just as the sun started to set. Everyone went their own way, with Antoine making his way over to Dr. Quack's office. Sonic went straight for his room, where he sat down in his favorite chair upon arrival. He put his feet up and began to doze off when he heard his door open.

"You ever heard of knockin asshole?" Sonic asked as he opened his eyes, surprised to find Knuckles there.

"Sorry mate, but I couldn't hold this back. Looks like Quack found out about the money while we were gone. He told Antoine while his was playin with his balls. Sally called a meetin over it. What are we gonna do, mate?"

"It's all part of the plan," Sonic responded. "We gave him fake money in the first place, so I can't say we didn't expect something like this. But while you're here talking to me, we're missing all the fuckin good stuff. Let's bust out of here and get to that meeting." Sonic and Knuckles rushed over to the meeting room, finding everybody waiting there.

"So do you have anything to say for yourselves?" Sally asked as they sat down at the table.

"What about? Knuckles told me there was some sort of meeting, but I didn't get any specifics," Sonic responded.

"Oh come off it Sonic, I've got the goods on you. Dr. Quack told us all about the forged tests. Why would you joke about such a serious situation?" Sally asked.

"I don't seem to have any memory of forged tests. I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"Dr. Quack said you paid him a large sum of money to forge Tails' medical tests…"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"You can't just argue with me by saying 'no I didn't'."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"In order for this to be an argument, I must take up the contrary position."

"Damn it, Sonic. He found out that the money you gave him was fake, therefore he relayed the story to Antoine."

"And you'll take a Nazi's word over my own?" Sonic questioned. "He was probably pissed off because he had to bandage Antoine's balls."

"He's not a Nazi Sonic, he just speaks a little German."

"That son of a bitch heils Hitler every night, and you can quote me on it."

"Sonic, would you stop denying the inevitable. Knuckles already explained his part of it. Now just fess up."

"Fucker."

"Assbag," Knuckles responded to Sonic.

"Well, Hun, I want to hear this too," Bunnie said, frowning at Sonic.

"If the Nazi and Knuckles talked to you already, what is it you want from me?"

"We would like to know why you did it. Why would you make a little boy think he's going to die?" Sally asked.

"Uh, for some humor," Sonic replied, looking around the room. "Not even a smirk? C'mon it was a pretty good gag."

"We're not fucking laughing Sonic!" Sally yelled.

"Actually, it was pretty funny now that I think about it," Rotor put in. Sally shot Rotor the stare of death, then fixed her glare on Sonic.

"You risked all of our lives just for the sake of a dumbass joke?" Sally interrogated.

"The Douchenator wasn't all that dangerous was it?" Sonic asked.

"You had something to do with that _thing_?!"

"No, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Douche what?"

"You better start talking," Sally fumed.

"Well, there are these couple, three things. I had these aspirations of pulling off the greatest gag of all time. I thought of a marvelous idea and shared it with Knuckles. We agreed that it would be hilarious, so the plan went into action. I bribed the Nazi, and to be honest hilarity ensued. It was really just an opportunity for Sonic the Hedgehog to show his quality."

"Well it certainly proved without a doubt that you're a complete asshole. I really don't know what to do with you," Sally sighed.

"What you don't know could fill a book," Sonic responded.

"What?"

"Yes?"

"Sonic?"

"What?"

"What did you say?" Sally asked again.

"Yes?"

"That's it, I refuse to talk to him. Someone else want to try?" Sally asked flustered.

"Yeah sure, Hun," Bunnie replied. "Do you have something you want to tell Tails?"

"No," Sonic responded. Bunnie just stared at him, until he spoke up again. "Tails, you're not going to die, it was a joke. Huzzah!"

"Huzzah!" Rotor recited.

"Shut up, Sugar," Bunnie told Rotor. "What else do you have to say to Tails, maybe an apology?

"Did I miss something?"

"You can't answer a question with a question, Sugar."

"I just did, how does it feel?"

"How does what feel? I just want you to put this situation to a rest by apologizing."

"I'm not listening."

"Don't you think it's the least you can do, Hun?"

"You're the least I could do," Sonic retorted.

"Oh, sick burn," Rotor proclaimed.

"I think it would be for the best if you didn't stay here tonight," Sally said quietly.

"I'm not following your logic here. I'm failing to see why that would be for the best. Care to enlighten me?"

"So I don't stab you in the middle of the night."

"That's a bit strong, isn't it?" Sonic countered.

"I'm being serious here, Sonic. I really don't want you around here right now."

"If you don't want me here anymore, well that just breaks my heart, but I'm not fuckin leavin," Sonic replied sarcastically.

"Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" Sally asked. "Fine stay here, I don't give a shit. You better keep your distance, that's all I'm going to say," she said as she stormed out of the room.

"That went better than expected," Sonic laughed.

"Better?" Rotor questioned.

"Shit, I half expected her to cut my junk off…"

"Wait just a tic, mate. You thought you'd lose your nibblets, Green Giant calls 'em nibblets, but went on with your shenanigans anyway?" Knuckles inquired.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You just ascended into god status, mate. Puttin your pills on the line like that really shows your quality."

"All I know is you'd better start kissing Sally's ass, Sugar. That's the last thing we need is her all pissed off," Bunnie acknowledged.

"You know me better than that. You think I just thought of a joke and no way to rectify the situation?" Sonic asked.

"Rectum?" Tails questioned.

"You see that?" Sonic countered. "The cruelest part of this joke is me knowing I'm gonna have to live with that dumbass. Why the fuck would I say rectum, Tails?"

"Well, Auntie Bunnie was talking about kissing Auntie Sally's ass," Tails answered.

"At least he has an idea where the rectum is," Rotor replied.

"Oh wow, the kid has a bright future now," Sonic said sarcastically. "I fail to see the fucking logic here."

"Are you really going to kiss Auntie Sally's ass, Sonic? I think that would be, like, kind of dirty," Tails brought up.

"Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself."

"What was zat?" Antoine asked looking around, completely clueless.

"Oh, so you've decided to add something to the fucking proceedings, huh?" Sonic questioned.

"I am ze sorry, huh huh. My mind has been not here. I have been having ze feeling like someone plays ze ping-pong wis my balls."

"That shit is etched into my brain now, thanks for that," Rotor said, shaking his head in disgust.

"So Bunnie, Sweet Cheeks, what are you doing later tonight?" Sonic asked, winking at Bunnie.

"Really? After you said I was the least you could do?"

"Well yeah, it was really just a ploy to piss Sally off. You can't get any better time than this to Van Dyke," Sonic said, shrugging.

"You know," Knuckles broke in, ignoring Sonic, "I've been meanin to ask you somethin, Bunnie. I asked Sonic once, but he had his head up his ass. Why do you wear a shirt and panties, when Sally goes around buck ass naked?"

"I don't want to show off my goods like a two-bit whore," Bunnie replied.

"Slut," Sonic corrected.

"What?"

"Slut is the correct term. I've never been charged once," Sonic answered.

"Auntie Sally is a slut?" Tails asked.

"No Hun, that's not what I meant…"

"I heard she blows for quarters, but I don't have any spare change," Rotor chuckled. "Oh, I heard she eats muff for the same price," he said looking at Bunnie.

"Haha Sugar, you're a barrel of fuckin laughs," Bunnie responded, glaring at Rotor.

"Muff?" Tails inquired.

"This, you not knowing shit, it's getting pretty old. Yeah muff, look it up in a fucking dictionary if you can't figure it out," Sonic scolded. "Look, it's a fuckin joke. Besides, don't go melt what's left of your brain over it. So Bunnie, you want to go back to my room, and discuss this matter further?"

"The muff diving? Because you know, Sugar, I don't…"

"Not the muff diving," Sonic sighed, squeezing his head in irritation. "We'll discuss my plan for damage control."

"Okay Hun, but no funny business," Bunnie answered. Sonic gave her an innocent look, and then the two of them left for his room.

"I don't know how he does it, mate," Knuckles said in awe.

"Probably without pants on," Rotor replied, and then he got up and left.


	6. Primo Box

Sonic woke up early the next day. He moved to the edge of the bed and put his sneakers on. It was mostly dark outside, but light was making its way over the horizon. Sonic made his way outside, over to a tree he liked to sit by. He sat down, and watched the sun come up. After a while, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Knuckles sit down in the dining room. Sonic went over to the dining room table to meet him.

"G'day, mate," Knuckles greeted, as Sonic came over to meet him at the table.

"Hey Knuckles, what's happening?" Sonic asked, sitting down in a chair.

"So mate, I have to ask, how was last night?"

"And I'll have to be completely honest with you, we're talking primo box."

"Isn't this little excursion gonna just piss Sally off even further, or is that all part of the plan?" Knuckles questioned. Sonic stared back blankly at Knuckles.

"Plan, what plan?"

"You're all sorts of dumbass, mate. That damage control plan you were blatherin on about last night."

"Oh yeah, believe me this wasn't part of that plan at all. Come to think of it, there isn't much that pertains to that plan. Actually, nothing is really a part of that plan, because I was just making that damage control plan bullshit up."

"Well then, how'd you fuck missy?"

"I'm not privy to relay that information."

"Sonic got some box," Tails laughed.

"I'll give you a thousand dollars right now, if you could tell me what the fuck box is," Sonic challenged Tails.

"Isn't it made out of cardboard?"

"Not _a_ box…what the fuck is wrong with you? Never mind, did you ever do enough research to figure out what muff was?"

"No, but I asked Auntie Sally about it," Tails replied. "She didn't look very happy when I asked. I guess it must be, like, taking a shit, or something."

"Well what did you ask her?" Sonic inquired.

"Rotor told me to ask her why she shows her muff like a two-bit whore."

"Tell me again how you got taking a shit out of that…wait, what?! You told Sally she was a two-bit, fucking whore? What the fuck Tails? Are you trying to bring the apocalypse here, asshole?" Sonic asked, and then began banging his head on the table.

"Hey Sugar," Bunnie said walking over to the table. "Are you okay?" She asked Sonic, putting a hand on his shoulder. Sonic didn't respond, so Bunnie just pulled up a chair and sat down next to him. "So, what are y'all discussing?"

"Apparently Tails told Sally she was a muff showin, two-bit whore," Knuckles explained to Bunnie.

"Well, I don't think that was a good idea, Hun. I mean, even if we didn't have the discussion we had last night. By the way," Bunnie said, turning to Sonic, "How are you doin this morning?"

"I was just fine until Captain Fucknuts decided to show up. Now all life as we know it might be in danger, and my balls are this close to the ban saw," Sonic replied, making a measurement between his index finger and thumb. "How about you?"

"I'm doin just wonderful, Sugar," Bunnie responded with a smile.

"So Sonic, what's box?"

"Tails, go fuck yourself in a box."

"I once knew ze Jack in ze box," Antoine said, sitting down at the table.

"Yeah? Well I once fucked a marry maid. What's your point?" Sonic asked.

"Did you smother her in gravy, you big dirty man?" Rotor questioned as he joined everyone at the table.

"What? No I fucked her, are you getting at something?"

"I guess not. You guys know if we have any macaroni and gravy?" Rotor inquired.

"Macaroni and gravy, what the fuck is that, mate?"

"I haven't really got time to decipher all my slang," Rotor responded with sarcasm. "Oh shit, here comes Sally. Where are we going to hide Sonic?"

"Hide me, what the fuck? I'm a grown ass man, I can sit at the table with the big boys now. Watch and learn my dimwitted friend. Tails, get out of that box," Sonic said motioning with his arm.

"So, did you have your fun, Sonic?" Sally asked, as she stood in front of him at the table.

"Hmm, I really don't know what you're talking about. But last I checked, fun isn't outlawed here," Sonic replied. "I'm sure you're working on something, though."

"You know goddamn well what I'm talking about. Having Tails ask me why I show my muff like a cheap whore, I ought to kick your ass right here."

"Feel free, but my ass is kind of sitting on this chair at the moment. Oh, and I don't tell Tails to do shit, he's so stupid I couldn't imagine him getting it right. One more thing, he said you were a two-bit whore, just wanted to get the syntax correct."

"Tails is a real drongo, mate," Knuckles added.

"Well if I'm a whore, you're a fucking gigolo," Sally argued.

"Damn straight, the gigolo with the most below," Sonic quickly responded.

"Sonic was talking about getting box," Tails put in.

"I see how it is, have Tails call me a whore, then have Bunnie crank your gear," Sally ranted.

"Crank my gear? She's sitting next to me, last time I checked," Sonic said, he then turned and looked at Bunnie. "Yeah, she's still there. It should also be noted, that my gear is currently not being cranked at this time." Sally just stood in front of the table glaring at Sonic. "This isn't uncomfortable or anything," Sonic observed. All of a sudden Sally collapsed to the ground. "Oh shit, I didn't do it," Sonic said looking around. "Tails…no Antoine…ah fuck it, I'll go get the Nazi." Sonic sped off in the direction of Dr. Quack's office.

"What do you think happened, Sugar?" Bunnie asked.

"She prolly hasn't had a good chimney sweep in a while, mate," Knuckles said laughing. Antoine, Tails, and Rotor joined in.

"I can't find anything funny about this situation, y'all are acting like assholes. What if she had a heart attack or stroke, would you be laughing then?"

"I guess so, could be she did have a stroke or heart attack, and we're laughing now," Rotor brought up. "But there is nothing quite like a joke to break tension of a particular situation." As Rotor finished talking, Sonic came back, hauling Dr. Quack with him.

"Dieses ist schlecht, someone help me carry her back to the medical office," Dr. Quack requested. Rotor and Knuckles volunteered, they then picked Sally up and followed Dr. Quack back to his office.

"He always speaks that damn German," Sonic said once Quack was out of earshot. "I'll never understand that guy."

"Of course no, he is ze fucking quack," Antoine replied.

"Hey Sonic, what's…" Tails began.

"Think very long and very hard about what you are going to ask me." Sonic paused for a few minutes. "Now, is there something you want to ask me?"

"What's a Nazi?"

"Nazi? Where do you get this shit? Is there something you do know? Stop being such a douche. Look Tails, if I have to answer another one of your stupid questions, I might just choke you to death. So why not, next time, ask your Uncle Rotor?"

"He's my uncle? How old is he?"

"Get the fuck out of here!" Sonic yelled, chasing Tails out of the room. Sonic sat back down at the table, and rested his head on it.

"I am not zinking…"

"Shhh," Sonic shushed, "A little quite time." After a few minutes, Bunnie broke the silence.

"Are you gonna go over there and check on Sally or what, Sugar?" She asked.

"No, I don't think I'd like that. I'm kinda busy here, maybe you could just come back another time," Sonic requested.

"Well I think since you were the cause of whatever problem it is, you should be there, Hun. You should do your best to be there for her."

"Best? What do you think we're in, the fuckin haberdashery business?"

"What if she dies, what then?"

"And if, if's and but's were candy and nuts…what's your fuckin point? Are you trying to guilt trip me into something? I don't know what me being there would do anyhow. Plus, Hitler will come back here and give us her status," Sonic shrugged.

"I'm not giving you a choice, Sugar, you're comin with me," Bunnie insisted. "Antoine, go get Tails and meet us over there."

"Yes ma'am, zat will be being my pleasure," Antoine said, bowing. He walked straight out the door and around the corner. "Huh huh, I zink I have been finding him," Antoine said, coming back into the room with Tails.

"You know Antoine, I don't know this knowledge first hand, but Dr. Quack says those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away, unless you start using topical cream every day," Sonic quipped.

"I have not been having ze warts on ze dick," Antoine defended.

"Topical cream?' Tails asked.

"Oh fuck it, Bunnie let's go."


	7. You're Shit Out of Luck

Sonic and Bunnie made their way over to Dr. Quack's office, with Antoine and Tails in tow. Sonic reached for the door, once they arrived, and held it open for everyone. They all went directly over to Dr. Quack, who was talking with Rotor and Knuckles. When he saw everyone coming, he turned in his chair to face them.

"Sally is dead, I am sorry," Dr. Quack stated solemnly.

"From fainting, are you trying to pull some bullshit here, Nazi?" Sonic asked angrily.

"NEIN! This would have never of happened if it weren't for you," Dr. Quack responded, pointing at Sonic. "Between you raising her blood pressure, and making her a nervous wreck with that stupid joke, I can't see any better evidence. She was in perfect health not too long ago."

"Oh yeah, just try and ride the blame train again. Shit, I had nothing to do with this." Sonic looked around the room at all the Freedom Fighters, they were giving him disappointed looks. "Oh what the fuck?"

"Auntie Sally is dead?" Tails asked, then began crying.

"I'm the fuck out of here," Sonic announced, making his way out of the room.

"My best friend is dead because of your joke, Hun. Do you think it's funny now?" Bunnie questioned, close to tears.

"Well…yeah, the joke was funny as hell. C'mon, this bullshit isn't my fault, no way could I have seen this coming," Sonic said in his defense.

"You got nicked, mate, that's all there is to it. Now you'll have to live with the guilt of this bein your fault," Knuckles said accusingly.

"Oh, and you take no part of this?"

"None, mate. It was all your idea, and you put it into action. My conscience is clear, how about you?"

"I showed you what you was, what you was capable of, and this is how I'm repaid? We can all still be friends, yeah?" Sonic questioned.

"No thanks, mate. I don't want you fuckin up my life, too."

"I don't like you either," Rotor put in.

"You are ze king of ze douche and ze bags, huh huh."

"You crossed the line, Sugar, sorry," Bunnie said sadly.

"I hate you Sonic, you box munching muff Nazi," Tails shouted angrily.

"You can't be a box munching muff Nazi, that's a fucking oxymoron," Sonic said, shaking his head. "Well whatever, I'll go pack my shit and get out of your way." Sonic left the room, and Dr. Quack closed the door behind him.

"I feel bad y'all, we have to tell him," Bunnie sympathized.

"We're just giving him a taste of what we felt," Sally said, walking into the room. "Now he learns the hard way, that payback's a bitch."

"But Sally, we're just showing him we're as bad as he is when we stoop to his level," Bunnie commented.

"You're right, we've had our joke. I'll go over to his room and tell him I'm not dead."

"I'm sure that's gonna work out just fine," Rotor scoffed sarcastically. "We had better all wait outside, just in case he goes fuckin a-wall."

--

Sonic sat relaxing on his favorite chair, his mind was hard at work, and his eyes were closed. He heard the door swing open and then footsteps coming toward him.

"Hey, could you get the fuck out, seeing as how we aren't friends anymore."

"Actually, there is something I need to tell you," Sally said, as she put her hand on his shoulder.

"Sally! What the fuck? You're not going to tell me I'm dead are you? If I am it's because that fuckin Tails shanked me, dirty bastard."

"I'm actually here to tell you I'm alive and well," Sally said sitting down on the bed.

"Oh that was low," Sonic replied.

"What? Why's that low?" Sally asked with a grin.

"I see how it is, just dig the knife a little deeper. You're so fucking fun-ny."

"It's not so funny is it, Sonic?" Sally asked.

"Oh fuck you, these are hardly the same shenanigans, my shenanigans are cheeky and fun. What is Tails to you anyway, you're not even related?"

"Well, what am I to you?" Sally countered.

"Fuck this, you can blow."

"What?"

"Not blow," Sonic said pointing to his junk. "Blow," he reiterated as he pointed toward the door.

"We're just trying to show you that sometimes you cross the line. Sometimes your shenanigans are cruel and tragic, making them not really shenanigans at all really."

"Evil shenanigans!" Rotor yelled from outside.

"Go stuff it up your ass Rotor," Sonic responded, and turned back to Sally. "So just flat out telling me was too complicated for you?"

"I did flat out tell you, Sonic, maybe you just had your head up your ass. You needed a dramatic example to see exactly what the problem was, but you did see it. I just wanted you to see that sometimes you do things that _you_ think are funny, but they just hurt others. Am I getting through to you at all?"

"And what about escalation?"

"Escalation?"

"Yeah they start…I don't know where I'm going with this at all. So, where do we go from here?" Sonic questioned.

"_We_?"

"What the fuck? Yes we, are you hearing impaired? I'm almost starting to think there's an echo in here. I want to know, what in the fuck happens now. Is that clear enough for you?"

"Don't get too worked up, Sonic, I was just asking," Sally replied. "Why can't we ever talk without you being condescending or cruel?"

"I guess because that's just the way the shit hits the fan. You know…I don't know. Are you fuckin with me?"

"No, I just want to communicate without having to argue about everything. But to answer your question, I think we should pick up where we left off. You know, before the whole Tails terminal illness tomfoolery. It was going pretty well."

"It was?"

"Better than the situation now," Sally stated.

"Drowning in a gigantic toilet is fuckin better than this shit," Sonic responded, frowning.

"There you go again."

"Sorry, yeah I guess we could…"

"Get some ass, mate!" Knuckles interrupted.

"Hey, my getting ass is none of your concern," Sonic replied.

"Since when?"

"Since…well, I tell you about the ass after I get it."

"Sonic! Stop talking to Knuckles, we're trying to rectify our situation," Sally said.

"Oh yeah, I'm fuckin sorry about that."

"We need to fix that," Sally noted.

"What do we need to fix?" Sonic asked in return.

"Your language, you swear too much. I don't know how anyone could ever enjoy reading your lines. So, every time you say fuck, it'll cost a dollar."

"Oh, a buck a fuck, you are cheap," Sonic laughed.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. So we're going to start a kitty…"

"Can."

"What?"

"We're going to call the 'kitty' the can. You sound less like a pussy when you say can. Or we could just call it the fuck it bucket."

"Hahaha, oh, I shouldn't have laughed. It'll only encourage you. I don't know what I'm going to do with you," Sally replied, shaking her head.

"I have some ideas, and most of them involve chimneys and sweeping," Sonic winked.

"You're so bad."


End file.
